Anger Management
You do not have an anger problem.
Anger is a completely normal emotion, one that we all experience. It isn’t good or bad, just another part of our experience. Like all emotions we find unpleasant, it is our attempts to control or avoid it that cause problems.
Anger typically has one job: to alert you to an unmet need.
Our mistake is in thinking that we shouldn’t feel anger. We then compound that error by thinking either, “I shouldn’t get angry,” or “You should behave differently so that I don’t have to feel angry.”
You may have an aggression problem.
Aggression is the outward set of behaviors that you may be using to express your anger. Like anger, aggression is normal and can be positive. Aggressive behavior in competition or business may make the difference between success and failure. Aggressive behavior in your interpersonal relationships will not serve you well.
What has been the effect of aggression on your life?
- In arguments, do you ever do or say things you later regret? Do you become physical with others or throw, break or strike objects?
- Have you ever lost a job or missed out on a promotion or opportunity due to aggressive behavior at work?
- If someone cuts you off in traffic, do you seethe, yell or drive in an unsafe manner?
- When you are angry, are your loved ones afraid of you?
If you answered yes to any of these (or similar) questions, then your aggression may be creating more problems for you than it solves. Counseling can help you learn to separate the experience of anger from the acts of aggression. You can learn how to curb problematic behaviors and find better solutions for meeting your needs.
Is someone in your life saying you are too angry?
Most of the men I see for anger management are not there of their own volition. Often, they come in because they have gotten an ultimatum from employers or loved ones. Change or else. It’s normal to feel justified in your experience of anger. When you feel threatened, unheard or disrespected, anger is an understandable reaction.
The anger you feel is an important signal that something isn’t right in your relationship or your life. This is a message you can’t afford to ignore. I can help you understand that message, identify what you need to change, and create a plan of action for getting what you want.
Stress Reduction
What is Stress?
Stress can be divided into two related components: the emotion we call stress and the physiological stress response. The emotion of stress is one of our aversive signals, meaning it’s telling us to avoid something. When we listen to the message, we can identify what isn’t working and create a better strategy. Most people try instead to avoid the messenger altogether. This is a natural response that unfortunately leads to some unworkable strategies.
The Stress Response
The stress response is your body’s reaction to something your brain perceives as a threat. In an emergency, it can save your life, giving you the extra strength you need to fight off an attacker, or the speed to slam on the brakes and avoid an accident.
Stress can also help you rise to meet challenges. It keeps you alert when giving a presentation at work, sharpens your concentration so you can accomplish a complex task, and drives you to study for an exam instead of watching TV.
A short-term solution to a long term problem
That heightened state has short-term benefit, but long-term cost. In the past, you might meet a predator, flee, fight, or freeze, then (assuming you survived) relax. This would take no more than a few minutes. Now, we experience that same physiological response if we choose the wrong lane in the grocery store, or if traffic is too slow, or if business isn’t going well. With prolonged exposure, stress stops being helpful and starts causing damage. Your health, your mood, your productivity, your relationships and your quality of life all start to suffer.
Some negative side effects of chronic stress:
- Memory problems, inability to concentrate and impaired judgement
- Anxious or racing thoughts
- Moodiness, irritability or short temper
- Inability to relax or feelings of unhappiness
- Feeling overwhelmed
- Disturbed sleep
- Loss of sex drive
- Increased use of alcohol, cigarettes or marijuana
- Pain, nausea, digestive problems and more frequent illness
- Procrastination or avoidance of responsibilities
How much stress is too much?
Everyone experiences stress differently. The line between benefit and harm depends on factors such as your own self-care, your support network, your intrinsic resiliency and your attitude both toward yourself and your circumstances.
You can’t always change the circumstances that are creating stress, but you can learn how to diminish the their effects. I can help you develop the habits and behaviors that will eliminate what stress you can, and increase your ability to cope with what’s left.
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