Three Benefits of Expressing Your Anger
Can anger be a good thing?
Few emotions have as much negative connotation as anger.
It’s often characterized as a sin, a character flaw or even an uncontrollable destructive force. You’ve been given the message, probably since childhood, that getting angry is bad. You should “rise above” it, or “don’t sweat the small stuff.”
So you stuff it down, suppress it, act like it isn’t there, and feel shame when it finally breaks free.
Even psychotherapists are guilty of this. I offer “anger management” classes and counseling in my practice, contributing to the unfortunate message that anger is a disease that needs managing—like herpes.
What if, instead of suppressing, denying or managing your anger; you embraced it? Can you harness anger as a positive force?
Anger can benefit your relationship.
Anger is a natural response to feeling wronged, or that your needs are not being met. It provides you an opportunity to communicate that in a positive way. In fact, research has shown that hiding anger can be detrimental to an intimate relationship.
Instead of bottling up those feelings of hurt or injustice until they explode at an inopportune moment, learn how to recognize and communicate your needs in a positive way. This will require you to work on your communication skills to ensure that your partner truly understands you. The stronger the emotion we are trying to express, the more care we need in our communication.
Telling someone, “I’m pissed off!” won’t get you what you need.
Telling them, “When you call me out in front of my friends like that, I feel disrespected. It makes me angry!” is a lot more likely to be successful.
Anger can provide self-insight.
When I work with clients who have destructive patterns of anger in their life—especially men—I often hear, “I don’t even know why I did that.” Or “Why does this make me angry? It doesn’t make any sense.”
To which I counter, it makes perfect sense! Anger is not random, or mysterious. It is a protective reaction we have when feeling threatened, or when an important need goes unmet. Especially when it is our need for things like safety, understanding, belonging, respect, autonomy, love, or care and attention. These are universal needs, all humans have them. Many of us were never taught to recognize them—let alone communicate them.
When you feel anger come up, that’s your clue to look inward. What is the underlying need your anger is trying to serve?
Anger can motivate you to change your life...or the world.
Imagine what the world would be like if the leaders of the civil rights movement had only felt inconvenienced by segregation and Jim Crow laws. Or if the pioneers of the environmental movement or the suffrage movement had been irritated by what they saw, but then moved on with their day.
Anger and passion are two sides of the same coin. Anger is energy and determination that you can direct toward a cause that requires effort. Ask yourself: What would you like to change?
Anger holds the potential for creating negativity, or it can be constructive and empowering. Guiding yourself down one path rather than the other requires a particular set of skills and practices. Luckily, they are skills and practices that anyone can learn.
Decide to make that change in your life today. Learn how to harness your anger as a positive force in your life and your relationship.
Do you keep your temper at work and the grocery store, but lose your cool at home? You might have Relational Anger.
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