One of the more surprising findings of John Gottman’s Research is that the amount of conflict in a relationship is not at all predictive of that relationships longevity or health. This means that you can have a relationship with a whole lot of conflict where both people will report being happy and satisfied, and you can have a relationship with almost zero conflict where no one is happy or satisfied.
What does make the difference, however, is how we manage inevitable conflict, and whether we have a physiologically arousing or calming approach to communication.
The Angry Brain's Effect on Conflict Communication
Your brain may be actively working against you in relational conflict. You have probably heard of the “fight or flight” response, that adrenaline and stress hormone dump that happens when your life may be in danger. That sounds dramatic, but it can also be a part of your arguments with your spouse or partner.
The part of the brain that makes that safety/danger decision can’t tell the difference between physical danger and emotional danger. When the brain decides that we aren’t safe, it triggers a mild fight or flight response called Diffuse Physiological Arousal (DPA) or flooding.
When we are flooded, it gets harder to think rationally, flexibly or emphatically. You know that moment in the fight when the gloves come off and you end up saying that thing you’ll regret when you calm down? That’s flooding at work.
Flooding is a big factor in Relational Anger and Relational Aggression. Learning to recognize and manage flooding is a key skill in Anger Management.
Taking a Break is the Best Bet for Solving Heated Discussions
Once flooding kicks in, you are unlikely to have a positive outcome in this discussion. Instead of arguing yourselves into exhaustion and slinking resentfully into your corners, stop. Take a Break. This is not as easy as it sounds, but there’s a trick to it. Check out my article on how to positively take a break from conflict for more tips.
Now that you are no longer fighting, your job is to calm your body down so that you can reengage with your partner in a positive way. This is where physiological self-soothing comes in.
Physiological Self Soothing is the Secret to Effective Communication
There is only one hard rule in self-soothing:
Do not ruminate, rehearse the fight, or entertain negative thoughts about your partner.
If you do, your brain will still think you’re in danger, and keep the adrenaline and stress hormones flowing.
Other than that, self-soothing can look any way that works for you. Here are some techniques I’ve found useful in my practice working with chronically high-conflict couples:
- Distract: Watch TV, read a book, go for a walk, take a shower, do anything other than think about the fight. Find something that leaves you feeling recharged and relaxed.
- Connect: Connect with a friend (other than your partner) and talk about anything under the sun, other than your fight with your partner. More often than not, what we’re looking for in that fight we just had is connection. Go meet that need from someone better equipped (for now) to do so.
- Exercise: Research has shown that 30 minutes of sustained exercise has the same mood buoying effect as Prozac — with none of the side effects.
- Eat or Sleep: Being hungry, tired, or otherwise physically depleted raises our stress and makes flooding more likely. Take care of your body’s needs so you’re better able to connect with your partner
- Be Present: Bring mindful awareness to whatever task you are doing, or focus your attention on your sensory experience. This focused present moment awareness prevents you from ruminating and can help convince the body you are not under threat. (why would you focus on the smell of a flower if you were in danger?)
- Breathe: Breathe in slowly counting to five, hold it, then exhale slowly for five seconds. Repeat 10 times. Check in with yourself to see if you’re still upset. If so, repeat. There is evidence that slow rhythmic breathing (the opposite of the fast shallow breathing we do in fight or flight) can down regulate (calm) your nervous system.
As You Become Calm, Practice Compassionate Thoughts
Often, the source of our anger is feeling hurt or frustrated by our partner’s actions. Our brain tells us a story about what that action means. Be skeptical of that story. Your partner is a good and reasonable person — if they weren’t you wouldn’t be with them. So there is a reason why they behave that way, a reason you can ultimately understand. Expand your thinking to find that reason. Take a guess. Imagine your partner as that good and reasonable version of themselves, and imagine meeting their needs fully. Imagine what that would feel like for them.
Once you have that compassionate understanding, it’s a lot harder to be mad at them, and a lot easier to have a good conversation.