How do you tell the difference between normal relationship struggles, and those that need professional help? After all, every relationship has ups and downs. Every couple has arguments.
You are on a marriage therapist’s website either because you feel dissatisfied in your relationship, or perhaps because you were sent here by your partner. So, maybe you do need it. The more interesting question, though, is: What can relationship therapy really do for me? Can’t I figure all of this stuff out on my own?
The simple answer is yes. You could. There’s nothing magical about couples therapy. There is a science to it, though. And while it’s easy to read about what goes into making a better relationship, it’s a lot harder to do in practice. Especially since you’re only in charge of part of your relationship dynamic. So again we ask the question:
What can a couples therapist do for my relationship?
The two biggest advantages to employing a couples therapist to help you change your relationship is that you get expertise and perspective.
I, as an example, have a masters degree in counseling with a focus of marriage and family therapy. In addition to the degree, I have more than 200 hours in clinical training and supervision specifically for relationships. I’ve also conducted, at the time of my writing this article, approximately 3000 couples therapy sessions. When a couple comes to see me, they are not relying on my personal experience in relationships, they are relying on my knowledge of the last forty years of clinical research. And they are relying on my built skill not only to recognize the hidden dynamic, but to know the best way to bring it out into the open and change it. Whatever you’re going through, I can almost guarantee you that I’ve seen it before.
Could you replicate this knowledge on your own? Of course.
I enjoy cooking, I’ve done it daily for most of my life. I’ve even read some books and blogs and even taken a few classes. Could a professionally trained and experienced chef teach me some new tricks? Absolutely.
The second advantage a therapist can bring is perspective. Not just from my experience, but also from the simple fact that I’m outside your relationship looking in. As the saying goes, a fish can’t see the water it swims in. And you can’t always see the dynamics you participate in. You can think of a couples therapist like a coach. Even at the olympic level, athletes rely on their coaches to see the errors in their form they can’t, because they’re too busy doing the swimming. You can rely on a therapist to have an objective view of how your dynamic could work better.
So then we ask: How can couples therapy make my relationship better?
Most couples will say that communication is key to a happy relationship. It can certainly be a source of distress when it’s not working.
It can create a pattern of worsening conflict as each instance where it goes wrong makes the next blow up (or disconnection) more likely.
Very simple changes to how we communicate and how we think of each other can make huge differences in how the relationship feels.
Physicality in arguments is much more common than we think, with 70% of all couples experiencing it at some point. Unfortunately, if left unchecked, physical violence tends to escalate in frequency and severity until someone gets injured(more likely the female partner, even when they are the instigators), and/or there are legal repercussions (more likely the male partner, even when they don’t start it).
Learning how to regulate your conflict, to soothe your own physiology, and to set proper boundaries can change this pattern.
Disconnection, whether that is due to too much conflict, or too little time and attention to the relationship, is the single biggest cause of distress and divorce. As I’ve often said to my more challenging couples, if you still hate each other there’s hope. When you stop caring is when you’re done.
Connection needs to be maintained through small acts every day. Luckily, this is something we can learn to do at any point.
It’s normal to have doubts about a relationship. It is ok to seriously consider whether or not it can be what you need it to be.
If you are seriously considering ending the relationship, or if you feel significantly stuck and don’t know what to do. Couples therapy might not be your best option. Consider a course of Discernment Counseling to clarify what you want and what you would need to do (or give up) to get it.
Adding a child to a relationship is one of the most challenging things you can do. Between changes in work, sleep deprivation, shifts in priorities, elevated stress and significantly hampered ability to connect with our partners, it is no wonder that a majority of new parents will report being unhappy with their relationship by their child’s first birthday.
You are not powerless in the face of that, but you may need to make some changes to help your relationship weather the storm.
When your last child leaves the nest, it’s a time of reflection and shift. Your life has been about a very particular thing for the last few decades and now suddenly it’s not. It’s normal to have some fears and doubts, or to even want to take your life in a dramatic new direction.
Therapy can help you figure out the next step in your journey together.
Sex is important. A satisfying sex life is a key part of a vibrant relationship.
Unfortunately, it’s easy to get off track with each other, and can be difficult to correct once you’re there.
People often make the mistake of thinking the answer is new lingerie, or toys, or fantasies. Or that they need to take dramatic steps like opening up the relationship to fix it.
More often than not, it’s none of those things. What you need instead is a shift in attitude about each other, and a shift in your communication and connection. The secret to a good sex life is good emotional connection.
Most people have, at some point, chosen to stay quiet to avoid an argument. If that is your go-to strategy, however, you can end up feeling like you don’t have a voice in the relationship.
When your partner is highly critical or reactive to you, it is difficult to just be yourself and feel accepted. When you play a role to earn that acceptance, you can end up feeling like your worth is conditional.
Learning how to set and hold boundaries (with kindness and compassion) can help you change the course of your relationship.
Humans are pack animals. We want connection and acceptance more than just about anything in our life. When we feel disconnected or unaccepted by the ones we love most, it’s a special kind of hell.
You can learn how to reengage with each other, and rediscover the friendship you’ve lost.
Most affairs are not started with that end in mind. They often begin with innocent relationships with a friend or colleague that, over time, changes from platonic to romantic interest. All along the way, the wandering spouse gives themselves permission to cross small boundaries.
If you’re fantasizing about being with someone other than your spouse, it may be that the object of your interest really is that awesome, or it may be your signal that something is missing from your relationship at home.
In either case, you have a choice to make. Will you turn toward or away from your relationship? Your decision may have major consequences in your life.
If you are seriously considering ending your relationship, you may be interested in a process called Discernment Counseling.
Affairs, whether sexual, emotional, or financial can have devastating effects on a relationship, and on the betrayed partner. It is often the deception, more than the act itself, that causes the worst hurt.
Using the evidence based protocol Atone, Atune, Attach, developed by the Gottman Institute, I can help you and your partner recover from the crisis, and build a new relationship together.
I work with a lot of guys who are going through or have just gotten through a divorce. Inevitably, there comes this moment where they shrug sheepishly and admit, “my wife asked me to go to counseling years ago…”
The request to go to counseling is one you should pay very close attention to. Nobody wants to come to counseling, nobody wants to need it. An ask to go to counseling is often an act of desperation, it’s a moment of faltering hope. Whether you want it or not, whether you think you need it or not. It’s a request that should always be honored.
Sometimes, it's fear that keeps us from making that appointment.
I’ve heard a lot of reasons why people put off going to counseling, sometimes for years. I think that most of them boil down to two major fears: You can’t help us, or You’re going to say it’s all my fault.
I get it, these fears make sense. Your relationship is very important to you. Counseling is expensive in both time and money, and you don’t want to spend either on something that won’t help. I can tell you that counseling, while expensive, is a lot cheaper than divorce. I can also tell you that part of my job is to be a good steward of your time and money. If I can’t help you, or if you’re better served doing something else, I’ll tell you plainly. Mostly what I want to tell you is that, the bigger risk is in waiting.
The average couple waits six years before starting therapy. That’s a lot of time to be unhappy, and that’s a lot of damage to try to undo. You’re better served trying counseling too early and finding it unhelpful, than trying it too late and finding that too much hurt has been done. Think of it as an experiment. How will this affect my relationship? As with all experiments, any data is good–even if disappointing. If you try it and it doesn’t work, now you know!
The fear I run into most frequently is (usually) from guys who worry that counseling will be an exercise in listing everything they do wrong, or that they will end up feeling ganged up on by the counselor and their spouse. I’ve certainly heard enough stories of that happening to know it’s not an unreasonable fear.
The fact is, couples therapy is actually quite different from individual therapy. Being good at one doesn’t make you good at the other. I’ve chosen to specialize in working with couples, so I can tell you if you’ve had those experiences with others, you won’t find it with me. I have yet to meet the couple where the problems were all one sided and that the other person was without responsibility. To really create change, both partners have to be willing to do things differently.
It comes down to, what is best for your family in the long run?
Choosing to enter relationship counseling is a decision that is both very important and very personal.
Wanting help in making your relationship more of what you dream it could be is not failure. There’s nothing wrong with you that you haven’t figured it out on your own.
It doesn’t mean that you’re not trying hard enough or that you’re with the wrong person.
The truth of the matter is that relationships are hard, and very few of us are naturally good at them. Luckily, everyone can build the skills and create the habits that will make a relationship grow and become stronger.
So the question is not really do we need relationship counseling, but rather how can we benefit from it?
If there are areas where communication seems to break down, or there are patterns that keep repeating themselves, counseling can help to clarify the underlying concerns that are creating gridlock.
If there has been a betrayal, whether it was emotional, financial or sexual, having a caring neutral party to assist in exploring that hurt can help you and your partner more quickly reach a place where forgiveness is possible and where you can begin rebuilding intimacy and trust.
If the years and the many trials of life have pushed their way between you and your partner, and now you find yourself looking at someone who feels like a stranger, setting the intention to be the partner you want to be and to act with compassion can help you rekindle the love that has faded away.
Whatever challenges your relationship faces, a skilled relationship therapist can help you to achieve the change you want.