How do you tell your partner you’ve had an affair?
Whether it was a drunken mistake or a conscious decision you made, there’s no getting around the fact that your partner will feel crushed, or furious. They may end the relationship over this.
That’s terrifying.
We all have that instinct, even if just for a moment, to keep quiet. If I tell them, it will crush them. They’ll never get over it. They’ll never forgive me. I just can’t hurt them like that. If I tell, then I’m taking my shame and embarrassment and stress and I’m turning it into their pain. If I don’t, maybe they’ll never find out. Maybe I can take this to the grave.
Can you make a case for silence?
Should I tell my partner I had an affair?
Possibly. Let’s answer a few questions in our exploration.
Was this incident one of diminished capacity because of alcohol—without that being part of a larger pattern of problematic behavior?
Is the affair partner so wholly separated from your life (and your partner’s life) to guarantee no chance of crossing paths ever again?
Was there zero risk of pregnancy or STIs?
Is there zero risk that the other person’s partner will seek you out, or expose you, to get revenge?
Are there pieces of evidence, like photos, videos, emails, chats, or receipts?
Would you need to engage in any active deceit to keep your partner from finding out?
Those questions will eliminate most infidelity, but let’s say you’ve read through the list and feel you’re in the clear. Let me add one more: Would your partner want to know?
I’ve worked with couples that had an explicit agreement to that effect. If something happens while you’re at a conference out of state—I don’t want to know about it. If you have that explicit agreement, and you’re clear on all the above, then you can make a solid case for not telling your partner.
Let’s look at why coming clean may serve you better.
What are the consequences of never telling your partner about the affair?
Let’s assume you can get away with never telling them. They’ll never discover it on their own or even suspect you of it. What are the consequences solely for you?
You’ll have a secret you must protect for the rest of your relationship.
This may not sound like a big deal to you. It is. Multiple studies have demonstrated the negative effects of holding onto secrets.
People holding potentially life-altering secrets have a higher resting stress level than those who do not. The vigilance required to edit information that might lead to suspicion or discovery can heighten anxiety and reduce enjoyment of social activities. Many struggle to accept genuinely offered compliments, because they know their partner has a false conception of them.
Hidden feelings of shame and guilt often contribute to problematic coping strategies, like drinking or substance use.
It can interfere with living a value-driven or principled life.
Research has shown that resting happiness levels are highest for those who feel their lives and their values align. If you value honesty and loyalty, a hidden affair will be evidence that you are not living the life you want to have. If you are not shaping your actions in the relationship based on what you, yourself value, are you truly offering love to your partner? You may forgive yourself for this, but a more likely response will be shame. That can create a pattern of avoidance and control behaviors that are damaging to your wellbeing and that will interfere with your connection to your partner.
It will reduce your loyalty and respect for your partner.
Our conception of our partner can be a fragile thing. Many people deal with their shame and anxiety around an undisclosed affair by creating a narrative that makes it “ok” or “justifiable”. This might include denigrating their partner as unfit, or undeserving of respect and love.
I had no choice; you weren’t giving me the love and affection I needed.
All you do is talk about out what you don’t like about me!
Or, it might be an even more dangerous conception of their partner being inferior to them, unable to cope without them, or otherwise not deserving basic respect and consideration.
Love and connection are impossible in the face of those beliefs.
It prevents your partner from being able to make an informed decision on how to spend their life.
This is mostly an issue of fairness, respect, and compassion. Your partner deserves to make an informed decision about whether they want to be in a relationship with you. Withholding crucial information prevents them from having that choice.
What will happen when you tell your partner about an affair?
It will hurt. A lot. There will be consequences you won’t want to have. In my experience, though, not telling doesn’t prevent that. Many people feel like they must make a decision between their spouse and their affair partner. They might be torn by that decision, unable to sign themselves up for hurting someone they care about—no matter which direction they ultimately go.
If that’s the conundrum you’re in, I’m sorry to tell you that there’s no way out but through. You can’t keep both, that’s not how open and poly-amorous relationships work. Even if it was, you wouldn’t want it. You will face a choice, eventually. Better to do it at a time of your choosing, than on a random Tuesday at three in the morning when your partner finally confronts you about the text messages you didn’t realize backed up to your iCloud account.
Staying in Your Marriage May Not be the Right Choice.
Before you choose, know what you’re picking and why. Your marriage may not be the right choice. Many affairs involve genuine feelings of connection and love for the affair partner. It’s common to feel confused about who you actually want to be with.
When justifying their reason to stay with their spouse, people give me reasons like the time they’ve been together, or that they have children, or that their finances are intertwined, or just because that’s what they are supposed to do. These are terrible reasons to stay married. They’re not terrible because they don’t have value; they’re terrible because they are poor motivators. When a couple tells me they are staying together “for the children” they are telling me they’ve resigned themselves to five or ten more years of drudgery before they’ll be willing to do anything different.
There is only one good reason to stay in a marriage. You want to. Stay in your marriage if you want to be a better partner, and you want to build a stronger relationship. That is the motivation you need to make it different.
Should You End Your Marriage and Pursue Your Affair Partner?
Just because your marriage isn’t the right relationship for you doesn’t mean your affair partner is. Affairs exist in a fantasy state. The emotions are real, but it is a relationship outside of time and context. It seems magical, because it’s all the exciting parts (sex, dates, deep conversations!), and none of the hard ones (paying the mortgage, raising kids, dealing with your mother-in-law!).
If you leave your spouse for your affair partner, you won’t stay in that fantasy context; you’ll pull it down into the real world. You’ll find that your affair partner is a human after all (we’re kind of an annoying lot), and that you are the same person with the same struggles you had in your previous relationship.
Relationships founded in infidelity can be wonderful. I know one couple, who had an affair, left their respective spouses, and remained happily married some fifty years later. On the other hand, I know one couple for whom that is true.
A Therapist Can Help You Make the Right Choice
You don’t have to figure this out on your own. You’ll want to be judicious about who in your life you share this with. Even if they are fully trustworthy, every name you add to that list will feel like an insult to your partner when they learn it.
A therapist can help you work through your thinking. They’ll have the perspective to bring your attention to aspects you may be blind to, and they will have your best interest as their sole motivation. Some therapists have an explicitly pro-marriage stance and will advocate directly for that. Most aren’t invested in which path you choose, only that you’re doing so for the right reasons.
How do I tell my partner I cheated?
Here we are at the actual purpose of this article. Hopefully, by now you’ve been able to examine your thinking, and if you’re moving forward, you’re doing so confident that it is the right path for you.
If you’re not confident. That’s okay, but you may not be ready. You might benefit from more time in contemplation, and in conversation with a therapist.
If you’re confident it’s the right call, but you’re scared to do it. That’s okay too. Feeling scared means you want a particular outcome. Hold on to that.
There are some strategic niceties for this conversation, but only one hard and unassailable rule.
You only get one chance to do this right. Tell the complete truth the first time.
I will repeat that, except in a bold and underlined font:
You only get one chance to do this right. Tell the entire, complete, utterly transparent truth the first time.
If you can’t tell them 100%, tell them 0%. You’re not ready, and you will mess it up. I’ve seen this in couple after couple, where the participating partner tells half or even 95% of the truth. Maybe they think the part they’re hiding is irrelevant, or that it’s hurtful, or a dozen other excuses I’ve heard. What it ends up being is a time-bomb you’ve buried in the foundation of your new relationship. It will come out. It will destroy your progress and leave you worse off than when you started. I’m not saying you can’t find success if you’ve already messed up your first attempt, only that it will be harder, hurt more, and take longer. It’s worth doing right the first time.
Given that one rule, here are some suggestions:
Set yourself up for success by picking place and timing. Don’t bring it up in the car, where one of you might end up feeling trapped. Don’t bring it up as the last thing, right before bed. Choose a time and place where both of you can participate fully.
Don’t sandbag them in a location where they will have to throttle their emotional response. The quintessential “take them to a restaurant so they can’t freak out” is awful advice. This will be a traumatic event for them. Offer them the respect of allowing them room for a traumatized response.
Own your choices. Don’t make it about their failings or what you’re not getting out of the relationship. There may be a time and place for that, but it isn’t right now.
Respond nondefensively and with compassion. Keep your end goal in mind. They may respond in a large and scary way; they may use hurtful language. Don’t get sucked into the trap of arguing. Take the anger and respond with kindness and understanding.
Answer their questions, but don’t share graphic details. If there was oral sex, say there was oral sex. Don’t say how the oral sex felt. People think they want to know. They don’t. It’s nightmare fuel.
Express your remorse. Reiterate that you want to repair the relationship with them. They just had their entire world turned upside down. They’ll be looking for safety and reassurance.
Be available, but don’t chase them. If they withdraw, let them go. Reassure them you’re waiting for their return.
Validate their thoughts and feelings, share empathy. Imagine yourself in their shoes. What would you feel? What would you need? If you don’t know, it’s okay to guess.
See it through. Don’t pressure them to just move on. Let them have their reaction and match their pace.
Be mindful of physical safety. It’s unfortunately true, that moments of discovery carry a higher risk of domestic violence. Avoid situations where one of you has been drinking or using other substances. Sure, it can make it easier for you to say what you need to say, but it can make it harder for them to control their temper.
Rinse and Repeat. The first time you talk about it won’t be the last. They will have questions, they will run you through things you’ve said looking for inconsistencies. This is how people rebuild their sense of order and safety. Hang with them.
Consider Couples Therapy
Everything I said above is great advice. It’s also really hard to pull off in the moment. A therapist can provide a structured approach that will increase your chances for success.
With my couples, I use the ACT protocol for affair recovery. This three step approach (Atone, Connect, and Transform) is based on the research of the Gottman Institute and many others, as well as my own clinical experience working with infidelity couples. It’s a way of rebuilding safety and trust, addressing the underlying concerns of the relationship, and ultimately putting the affair into the past, while looking forward to a new future together.
I can help you do it right the first time.
If you think you’d like to work with me individually or as a couple, reach out for a free 20-minute phone consultation. I’m happy to answer all of your questions and to explore if what I offer is the right fit for your particular circumstance.
To read more about the ACT protocol for affair counseling, check out:
Infidelity Recovery: Healing from the affair.