Infidelity Recovery: Healing From Betrayal
An affair doesn't have to be the end.
The commonly held belief is that an affair dooms the relationship. Most people believe that they would not stay after finding out that their partner cheated. Many will state that rebuilding trust would be impossible.
There are pithy sayings: “Once a cheater, always a cheater.”
Sometimes, people lay the blame at the feet of the injured partner: “He wouldn’t go out for hamburgers, if he had steak at home.”
It’s often chalked up to gender: “That’s just how guys are.”
The thing is, all of that “wisdom” is wrong.
Here’s what decades of research tells us about affairs:
Infidelity leads to a relationship’s end in only 33% of cases. That leaves two-thirds of couples who make it through. Of those, half will end up with a relationship as strong—if not stronger—than before.
An affair is not at all predictive of future affairs. Multiple or serial affairs only happen in a minority of cases.
Infidelity occurs at the same frequency in relationships where partners rate their satisfaction highly, as it does in distressed relationships.
While men have affairs at a higher rate than women, that stat is changing. When you control for access and availability to potential affair partners, the rates are nearly identical.
Related Articles:
Discovering an affair is a traumatic event
You’re here because you recently discovered your partner has cheated, or you’re afraid they have. You might experience huge swings of emotion. Within a few minutes, you might feel angry, then scared, then hopeless, then determined, then full of rage, and then crushed with grief. Betrayed partners often describe having invasive thoughts and memories. They might have disturbed sleep and appetite. Nightmares and flashbacks are common. Many say their whole understanding of their relationship is in doubt. They wonder who their partner really is, and even question who they are themselves.
I don’t diagnose my betrayed clients with PTSD. There are some technical limitations to the diagnosis. The symptoms, however, are the same.
That bears repeating. Affairs affect betrayed partners in much the same way as catastrophic and life-threatening events might.
That’s how damaging it is.
The Science of Infidelity Recovery
All relationship behaviors are earnest attempts to meet legitimate needs. Some strategies are better than others.
Betrayed partners attempt to rebuild their sense of safety by exerting control over their partner’s behavior. They try to regain their understanding of reality by asking question after question. Some they may not truly want the answer to, but feel compelled to ask anyway. Snooping through emails, journals, and credit card statements, and putting tracking apps on phones are all common strategies.
Participating partners often lie, obfuscate, or leave out details of the affair. They change their story, gas-light their partner, or insist on moving forward and not talking about it anymore. Perhaps they may fear abandonment or have a sincere desire to limit new hurts, but it ends up making things worse.
These strategies rarely work and often cause more harm to the relationship.
Developing psychological flexibility and resilience, coupled with behavior changes in the relationship, will give you the best chance to heal.
The ACT protocol for healing betrayal
The ACT Protocol is a structured, directive, and short-term approach. It combines clinically proven behavioral strategies with mindfulness-based skill building to help you move past the pain and find new ways to connect.
Three Stages of ACT Infidelity Counseling
Atone
The participating partner takes responsibility for their choices that lead to the affair. They show remorse and help the betrayed partner regulate strong emotions. Together, the couple builds a shared understanding of the affair through transparent discussion. They may implement temporary rules to help the betrayed partner feel safe.
Connect
The couple rebuilds trust and reconnects by addressing comorbid relationship issues. This process heals the betrayal by developing a stronger connection. Past complaints do not justify affairs. However, solving the underlying issues can prevent relapses. Atonement behaviors continue, but lessen over time.
Transform
The couple puts the betrayal into the past. They purposefully look toward their new dream of a shared future. Behavior controls expire. The couple negotiates new boundaries to replace the rules from the previous stage. Life feels normal again.
The Protocol
They say that time heals all wounds. I used to tell my couples that repairing their relationship would take between nine months and two years. After walking so many couples through this process, I realized it is a matter of hours, not months. On average, it takes 27 hours* in the room with me, and another sixty at home, to feel at peace. Ninety hours of principled efforts will build a new foundation for a shared future.
When I went back to the data and charted couples’ progression over time, it didn’t matter whether the couple saw me twice a week or once a month. Couples who put in the hours got better.
You have the power and the ability to heal your relationship. I have the structure, and the knowledge, to help you get there.
Discovery and Disclosure (4 – 9 hours)
- Initial session: 2hrs
- Explanation of model and process
- Setting boundaries and making agreements
- Exploring goals
- Assessment Packet goes home
- First Individual Session with Participating Partner: 1hr
- Follow up on assessment
- Personal History Interview
- Discussion of affair timeline
- Individual Session with Betrayed Partner: 1hr
- Follow up on assessment
- Personal history interview
- Discussion of structured questions regarding timeline
- Second Individual Session with Participating Partner: 1hr
- Detailed discussion of infidelity timeline
- Construction of coherent narrative for Disclosure
- Disclosure Session: 1 – 4hrs
- Participating Partner explains a detailed timeline of infidelity, thoughts, feelings, motivations, and efforts made to prevent discovery
- Betrayed Partner asks all questions needed to come to a full understanding of infidelity.
Reconnection and Healing (4 -12hrs)
Weekly 100-minute sessions, focused on developing relationship skills, addressing underlying or comorbid issues, repairing friendship, and building greater connection.
Titration and Termination (6hrs)
Transition to 50-minute sessions, starting weekly and titrating to every other week, then to once monthly.
Recheck session (50-minutes) at 6months, and then at 12 months to cement changes in behavior and foster resilience.
*Treatment is not one-size fits all. The standard protocol is adjustable depending on the specific needs of your relationship.
Fees
There is no getting around the fact that this will be a significant investment. I designed the protocol to minimize the time you’re in pain, and to give you the best possible chance of recovering and growing even stronger together. This requires a larger initial payment, but not a greater cost over the course of treatment. Your relationship is worth investing in.
The ACT Protocol
Discovery and Disclosure: $1599
Includes assessment and first nine session hours.
Treatment Sessions
100-minute $315
50-minute $165
Fees are non-refundable. However, unused hours do not expire. You can pause treatment and resume as needed without additional cost.