Let’s face it. Most people don’t want to be in therapy. In my practice, I see a lot of men who are there at the request (or insistence) of a loved one who got tired of their irritability, pessimism, resentment or angry outbursts. They’re told: “You need anger management!”
Perhaps. If this anger is a change in behavior, then depression may be lurking in there as well.
Anger Management is about controlling aggression.
Anger isn’t the problem, it’s just an emotion. Aggression is the behavior you may be using to assert control or dominance in a situation. In situations of relational aggression, the message is often: back off! Or Listen to me!
It might work in the short term, but the long term consequences are an erosion of close relationships and prolonged periods of heightened stress.
Relational Anger often hides deeper pain.
Anger and resentment are messengers, sent to tell you that something is wrong with how you are living your life.
Stop. Read that sentence again.
In our culture, men are raised to express three emotions: anger, contentment and pride. That doesn’t mean they don’t feel lost, sad, afraid, in doubt, or isolated. It’s just not ok to talk about it. Or maybe even to think about it.
Learning to get in touch with those deeper, more vulnerable emotions is a necessary step to creating lasting change in your behavior.
Now, if your response is to say, “Yeah, but if only she would…” You are following a false trail. You have no power there. Look to your own boundaries, your own behaviors. This is where you can create change.
Depression affects how your brain manages anger and aggression
Anger and aggression originate in the limbic system, part of what is termed the Lizard Brain. If we were lizards, the second we had an angry or aggressive thought we would lash out. The reason we don’t is because structures in the frontal lobe have an inhibiting effect on those actions.
Depression has a dampening effect on the frontal lobe, resulting in decreased inhibition. In other words, if you find yourself getting angry faster or to smaller events, depression may be playing a role.
Yeah, ok, but I don’t feel sad. How can I be depressed?
Depression doesn’t always look the way we think it should. For many, the primary symptom is increased anger. Even when other symptoms like prolonged sadness, loss of interest in hobbies, or social withdrawal aren’t present.
This is not something you can afford to ignore.
I get a lot of phone calls from wives, girlfriends, sisters, and mothers because they are worried about a man they love. One of the patterns that has emerged from research is that married men live longer than single men. Why? In part, because the married man has a wife who will make him go to the doctor.
Depression doesn’t always go away on it’s own. You can lose years of your life to depression. You can destroy important relationships while caught in the negative feedback loop in your brain.
You deserve a better life than that.
With or without medication, therapy can help decipher the message of your anger. With greater understanding you can lower stress, curb aggression and protect your relationships. You can develop a more positive, engaged and satisfying life.